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Know what to do after your first date to build a healthy relationship

Kailen Rosenberg Professional Matchmaker, Love Guru, Ambassador of Love CEO of Love Architects
Know what to do after your first date to build a healthy relationship

In order to present yourself authentically to your dates you have to first discover and embrace your most authentic, genuine self and then learn who you should be attracted to and why. Once you’ve done this work, you are ready to begin dating authentically with the best chance of finding the person who is meant for you. This is a time for you to focus on getting to know the people you date – good and bad, warts and all – and letting them get to know you on the same level. The ways you think, act, and behave during and in between dates will either draw people to you or push them away. Showing up as your authentic self and remaining open to all that love has to offer are the only ways to find real love, right now! Here is the top expert advice for the often stressful time period after a first date.


Do build a foundation of trust

Trust is an essential building block in any relationship and you can’t share true love with another person unless you fully trust each other. In other words, a relationship built on lies will never be completely healthy. Start good habits now when it comes to telling and expecting the truth, and let the other person know they’ll get an honest answer to anything they ask you. Answer every question from the heart, whether it’s about your taste in music, past relationships, or even whether or not you’re dating other people! Remember that you want to give this person a chance to be attracted to the real you (or not), so don’t be afraid to reveal that authentic self completely.

Do know and honor your value

Most men all have one thing in common: They want a feminine, confident woman who honors her heart, mind, and body. Once you’ve embraced your authentic self, you shouldn’t have a desperate bone in your body. Instead, you’ll feel open to finding the right person who’ll love you for the amazing person that you are. One way to honor yourself is to let things happen naturally and avoid pushing too hard. Often, when you start to feel needy after a first date, it’s because of your fear. This could be a fear of loss, abandonment, or losing control. If you feel this way, sit quietly with yourself and try to determine where this fear is coming from, then let it go. If it is meant to be with this person, it will be, and the best thing you can do is release control and continue enjoying your life in between dates as the fabulous creature that you are.

Do go on a variety of dates

Try to do something different on each date so you’ll both constantly be revealing different sides of your personalities. Remember, you are both checking each other out to see if you can possibly be “the one.” If you go to dinner and a movie for every date, you’ll only get to know this person in those two circumstances. In order to determine if he or she is right for you, you need to find out how this person responds to different situations, challenges, and people. Plus, doing different things on each date keeps things exciting and fresh in the beginning. Some ideas for unique dates include going to a book reading, a church service, or a volunteer event.

Do let the man do the courting

This may be old fashioned, but in heterosexual relationships the man should pursue the woman and not vice versa. In our society, women act extremely aggressive and don’t give men a chance to hunt, let alone take a breath and decide whether or not he wants to see her again. Based on all of my experience and what I’ve heard from thousands of men, the man should ask the woman out, hold the door open, pay the bill, and make the first move, the second move, and the third move after that. If this idea bothers you, remember that these traditions worked for so many years for a reason!

Do take turns planning dates

This is a good way for a woman to exert some power in a relationship in the beginning while she is being courted. You should each take turns planning fun, unique dates. It's important that you each have your own passions, but you want to find areas of mutual interest, so it’s important to pay attention and see if you enjoy the activities the other person plans. Doing something together that you both enjoy will bond you closer together, and the types of dates that you each plan will tell you so much about the other person. You may gain a new appreciation for him or her, or you might realize this isn't the right person for you. Don't be too disappointed – that is completely okay, too! You are on the right path and have surely learned something from this dating experience.


Do not get intimate too soon

Being old-fashioned once again, but in order to determine if this person is right for you, you should avoid having sex in the early stages of a relationship. Getting intimate after the first few dates is extremely confusing for both parties. Even kissing after a first kiss should be avoided. Try a warm hug, instead! A good kiss can cause a flood of hormones to trick your brain into thinking this person is “the one,” when he or she is just a good kisser who might not be compatible with any other aspect of your life. Save sex for after you’ve gotten to know the other person’s heart, mind, and values. It will be worth the wait.

Do not call it love too soon

If you had one great date, it does not necessarily mean this is the person you are meant to be with! When we are strong and wise and connected to ourselves, we are not in a hurry. We are happy to wait for the right one and enjoy the ride for however long it takes to get there. For the first ten dates, you should not be thinking too much about the future. Instead, be in the moment. Be present so you can pick up on any red flags in the relationship and decide with a clear head whether or not they’re things you can deal with. Remember, chemistry and a fun time can trick us into thinking it’s love. Give it time and make sure that first feeling is accurate, while allowing the real love between you two to reveal itself.

Do not force it

No matter how high your hopes are before a first date, don’t force yourself into a second date if you truly aren’t interested. When you are connected to your most authentic self, you’ll know a lot from the very beginning. If you go on a date and it’s nice but you feel deep down that something’s missing, listen to that inner voice. Get centered and ask yourself if there’s enough there to warrant a second date or if you’re intuition is clearly telling you this person is not the one. However, it’s a good idea to take an honest look at your patterns and make sure you don’t self-sabotage by finding something wrong with every person you date. If this is the case, you likely have some healing to do and aren’t ready to be in a relationship yet. Go back and look at your past to find the wounds that need to be healed before you can move on and begin dating as your most authentic self.

Do not text too much

Texting as the main form of communication between partners is destroying many relationships. If you want, send a text after the first date simply saying, “Thank you. I had a lovely time.” That’s it. Other than that, don’t get into a pattern of texting with the person you’re dating. Pick up the phone if you want to communicate! Texting is too safe and doesn’t allow for vulnerability, nuance, or any true communication, which are all critical in the early stages of a relationship. Once you are in a relationship, texting should be reserved for flirting or emergency situations only.

Do not worry

Remember, dating authentically means enjoying the ride and remaining open to whatever is meant to be. Let go and have faith that if you are meant to be with this person you will indeed end up together! If he doesn’t ask you out again, then it wasn’t meant to be. It’s as simple as that! So if you don’t hear from a guy after your first date, don’t overanalyze, stress, or worry that he lost your number. Trust me, if he wants to find you, and if he’s meant to find you, he will.

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Dating is a time to have fun and enjoy getting to know potential partners to discover if they’re right for you, and if you are dating authentically you’ll feel open and excited about finding real love. If you are honest with yourself, present in the moment, and communicating genuinely without letting chemistry or intimacy confuse you, then you are certainly on the right path to finding an amazing and beautiful love with another person.

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Kailen RosenbergProfessional Matchmaker, Love Guru, Ambassador of Love

Kailen Rosenberg has always had “it.” Some call it intuition. Others call it a sixth sense. Clients celebrate it as a gift. As a Certified Master Life, Love and Relationship Coach, Kailen Rosenberg is widely recognized for her skills as an el...

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